why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
