I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
