I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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