Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
