you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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