We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
