I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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