Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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