I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
