Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
