I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize