So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
