i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
