I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
