Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
