I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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