Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
