I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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