We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
