Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
