He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
