Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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