Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
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I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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