I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
