My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
