My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
