I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
