Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
