hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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