if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize