you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
