Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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