Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
