Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
