Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i was born a porn star she said
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
