Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize