OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
