Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
