Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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