Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
