i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
