I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
