I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
