apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
