What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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