T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
