Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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