She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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