My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
