I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
A bitchslap is in order.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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