She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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