To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
