I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
