My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
