You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
